Fellatio

Now let’s consider my favorite topic: fellatio, a woman performing oral sex on a man. It’s a fairly straight forward deal. Unlike all the complexities of the vulva, the penis just sticks out there like a popsicle...or a banana.

The first important item is for the male genital area to be clean. The heat and sweaty moisture down there can cause bacteria growth. No one wants that. Start by getting clean.

As you contemplate fellatio, consider how it’s going to end. There are really only two options. Either the fellatio is a bit of foreplay that then moves on to some other sexual shenanigans or it ends with ejaculation. If it’s the latter, women have three options:

1. Take the ejaculate in your mouth and then spit it out.

2. Take the ejaculate in your mouth and swallow it.

3. Let the ejaculate fly into the air.

So the options are spit, swallow, or fly. Which is the right way to go? It’s up to you.

Don’t be pressured into doing something you really don’t like. On the other hand, I can tell you that orgasming into a mouth feels wonderful. But since the whole process feels pretty wonderful, don’t feel it has to end a certain way in order to be acceptable. Emily Post has no rules for fellatio.

Let’s talk quickly about gag prevention. Remember the 1970s porn movie Deep Throat? Everyone has heard of it, but few people have seen it. The premise was that a woman needs to take the whole (and weirdly huge) penis in the mouth to do it right. That’s a silly idea. If your husband pushes this idea, buy him a cucumber about his size and ask him to show you how it’s done. Of course if he likes that, you may have another problem.

Back to gag prevention. Most men will have a natural tendency just before and during orgasm to want to thrust forward and go deeper. Hence, the tendency to gag. You can talk about this, though your mouth may be full at the time, and many folks are uncomfortable talking about these kinds of things. So while I encourage you to speak up, I understand many women won’t.

If you don’t want to talk about it, try placing your fist around the bottom of the penis, like you were grabbing onto a pole. With your fist in this position, you create a stop on the penis that only lets the exposed part above your thumb into your mouth. If your spouse has been especially gifted, you may need to grab it with both hands like a baseball bat.

Now let’s get down to what really great fellatio might include.

1.     Saliva: The extra lubricant works better for everyone. Drool running down a penis makes for better hand pumping at the lower end of the shaft. You can put a towel under him if you don’t want a spit spot on the sheets when you’re done. For me, avoiding the spot is good post coital exercise.

2.     Soft or Hard, it’s all good: Don’t worry if your man isn’t hard. It’s going to feel great either way. Let him just relax and feel no pressure to perform.

3.     Frenulum, the secret spot: The most sensitive spot on a penis is on the bottom, just below the head. It’s called the frenulum. If you don’t want his penis in your mouth, you can lick and suck this area while using both hands on his penis and testicles. If he’s on his back and you are laying off to the side, you will be in position to do this. Remember to use lots of saliva on the frenulum and kiss like you’re back in high school.

4.     Teeth: I remember snorkeling in the Caribbean and seeing a barracuda with its big teeth. Ladies, listen: when your teeth touch a penis during fellatio, the barracuda is likely the image that comes to his mind. Be careful. As always, you may want to just ask. Some men like the feeling of choppers chomping.

5.     Sealing the seam: On the underside of the penis, there is a seam that runs from the head to the scrotum (I’m sure, I just checked). Try giving a long wet lick from the scrotum, along the seam, and all the way to the head—like licking an envelope.

6.     Suck and pump: Take the penis head in your mouth, bob up and down, and add some pleasant variety by grabbing the lower part of the penis shaft with your hand and pumping in time with your mouth. Again, let some saliva roll down the shaft for better lubrication.

7.     Perineum tickle: The perineum (also called the taint) is the highly sensitive area between the scrotum and the anus. Licking or lightly touching this area adds wonderful variety in fellatio.

8.     Hot, cold, and menthol: Just like different temperatures can create wonderful sensations during oral sex on a woman, great feelings can follow from a mouthful of ice chips, hot tea, or a strong mint.

9.     All hands on deck: You may want to use your hands as well as your mouth to up the eroticism. Rubbing his nipples, tickling his scrotum, pulling his butt towards you, or any of dozens of other antics can make him feel great.

10.  Your two new best friends: Pay particular attention to the testicles. Kissing them or taking one into your mouth and gently sucking it will be a big turn-on…unless, of course, it’s not. As always, talk about it.

11.  Multi-tasking Masturbation: If you like to multi-task, you may want to masturbate as you’re performing fellatio. It will certainly turn him on all the more. Using a mirror so he can watch you masturbate also adds to the experience.

12.  Sound Vibrations: Moaning or any kind of enthusiastic sex noises while performing fellatio adds a wonderful vibration on the penis. Plus, the man will be much more excited knowing you are enjoying yourself down there. The less it seems a chore for you, the better it will be for both of you.

All the above techniques can be wonderful and appreciated. But remember, this ends in one of two ways. Either you move on to other intimacies (with a very appreciative partner who should now be treating you like a queen) or go all the way to ejaculation.

If you opt for ejaculation, you can learn to know when that train is about to leave the station. The penis will swell more and start to throb. He may moan and move more. A bit of pre-ejaculate often escapes as well. When you recognize the time approaching, you get to decide how you want to handle this momentous occasion. You have the spit, swallow, or fly decision.

Anything you try will probably be appreciated. Enthusiasm trumps technique, though great technique is a wonderful thing. If you’re only doing it because you feel you have to, it won’t be nearly as good for him as it will be if you are into it. Have fun pleasing each other. And remember oral sex for a last-minute gift idea.

Male Stimulation

I’ve mentioned several times that male masturbation tends toward “Grab it hard and whack it good.” So is that the best approach for a woman to take to satisfy her lover? Not necessarily. Try for a higher standard. Think how much he’d appreciate some amazing hand job techniques. Think about the possibility of providing manual pleasure beyond his own masturbation methods…beyond “if you use your left hand, it feels like someone else is doing it.”

I’ve borrowed heavily from the Pleasure Mechanics for this section.[1] Their video titled “Male Arousal Part 1: Handjobs” provides a visual instruction guide for pleasuring a man.[2] Here’s a taste of their instructions for how to touch and stimulate a penis. I put this in list format and included many of my own ideas as well.

Warming up the penis: Get blood flowing for maximum sensitivity and firmest erections.

1.     Position: Start by sitting between his legs, facing him. You may want to sit on a stool or chair and have him sit on the edge of the bed or sofa.

2.     Preparation: Have a lubricant ready (silicon based Passion Lube, KY Jelly, or even coconut oil work well) and a cloth under him or sheets that you don’t mind getting lubey.

3.     Finger and Thumb Massage: Start at the penis base and knead with finger and thumb on either side of the penis. Work up slowly and come to just below the head before working back down. Continue this on other sides of the penis—up, then down. This isn’t a particularly erotic feeling, but it massages penis tissue and gets blood flowing into it.

4.     Penis Stretches: Gently pull the penis up to the belly, stretching the connecting tissue. This is the noon position; pull the penis over to 3:00, 6:00, 9:00 and back to noon. If you know how to drive a manual transmission, try shifting up and down the gears. Again, don’t take too long with this, as it isn’t overly erotic, but get the blood flowing. This might be a chance to laugh together at some silly fun.

5.     Thumb Circles: Start at the base of the penis with both thumbs on his shaft. Rotate your right thumb clockwise and your left thumb counterclockwise. Think Karate Kid: wax on, whacks off. Slowly move up the penis shaft, continuing the thumb circles, and massage the penis tissue deeply. Stop just below the head. Remember, we are still in the warm up stage. When you get to the head, gently trail a finger down either side of his shaft. If you haven’t added lube yet, now is a good time to add some.

6.     Fingers Up: Use a light touch to gently run your fingers slowly from the base to just below the head. Try increased pressure. Try different speeds.

7.     Scrotum and Perineum Massage: Gently run your hand down the penis base, over the scrotum, and massage the perineum. Some men prefer almost no touching there, some may be ticklish, and others thoroughly enjoy the feeling.

Taking the Hand-job to the Next Level: Now that the penis has been thoroughly massaged, move into the more erotic types of touch:

1.     Two Hand Squeeze: Grab the penis with both hands and squeeze with one, then with the other. Alternate squeezing without moving the hands on the penis.

2.     Fists Sliding up the Shaft: Grasping the penis firmly, start sliding one fist up the shaft, all the way over the head, then do the same with the other hand. Keep starting at the bottom and sliding up and over. Keep a steady speed but vary the pressure. Add a twist if you want.

3.     Fists Sliding Down the Shaft: Again, use the hand over hand approach, but start at the head and slide down the shaft. Squeeze tightly so the penis has to force into the fist. This feeling of endless penetration into a tight, vaginal-like space feels amazing.

4.     Alternating 3 Up and 3 Down: Use this double fisted approach for 3 up glides, then for 3 downward glides. Repeat, keeping the same speed but varying the pressure.

5.     Head and Frenulum massage: grip the shaft firmly with one hand, then use the other thumb and fingers to tickle and massage the head and frenulum. He will feel a great contrast between the firm pressure on the shaft from the one hand and the soft strokes to the highly sensitive head and frenulum. Work around the head. Try some thumb circles on the frenulum.

6.     Single Hand Up and Down Cycles: Grasp the shaft firmly and slowly move up to the head, then down to the base. Vary speed and pressure and try adding a twisting, corkscrew motion. Use both hands sometimes.

7.     Scrotum and Perineum Massage: When he gets close to ejaculating (an 8 on the 10 scale), move back down to scrotum and perineum massage. Try splitting your fingers into a peace sign and massage with a finger on either side of the scrotum in a back and forth motion.

8.     Combos: Massage the base of penis with one hand and the head with the other, or rub the perineum with one hand and corkscrew up and down the shaft with the other.

9.     Double-Hand Corkscrew: You can finish a hand job in many ways, but if you want it to end in ejaculation, it’s hard to beat the double hand corkscrew going from the head to the base. Again, grasp tight so it feels like he’s entering a vagina, then twist down the shaft. Keep the same motion as he ejaculates. Unless he moves away, let those amazing feelings ramp down slowly instead of disappearing immediately after ejaculation.

You can add infinite variations to the above, but if you use these ideas you will give a world class hand job. I doubt most guys would have ever been that creative (or loving) to themselves. And that’s the point, right?

[1] http://www.pleasuremechanics.com/.

[2] http://www.pleasuremechanics.com/foreplay-mastery/.

Premature Ejaculation

Now let’s move on to the most common male problem in sex: Premature Ejaculation (PE). If you’re a Minute Man but not fighting for your country’s independence, pay attention.

I remember all too clearly my early sexual encounters where I came before even getting inside or within the first few strokes. It was so embarrassing.

Of course, as a young man, I was ready for action again in short order so it wasn’t a total failure. The next rounds tended to go better. When I learned more about sex, though, I realized I could practice some techniques to delay my ejaculation.

I’m a numbers guy. The technique that always works for me is to count backward from 100 to zero, then up to 100 in Spanish. That couple minutes of focusing on something other than how good intercourse feels helps me last as long as I want. (By the way, I don’t count out loud.)

You may find success reciting Bible verses or poetry in your head, or use the old standby of thinking about baseball. Here’s a story that illustrates the concept:

An old guy walks a donkey on a lead rope down the road, and the donkey decides to stop. The man tries to drag, push and whip the donkey into moving again, but it doesn’t get that donkey moving. So the old guy picks up a handful of gravel and feeds it to the donkey. The donkey chews, showing those big teeth and trying to get that nasty tasting gravel out of his mouth. As he chews, the donkey begins walking forward again.

A stranger asks the old man, “Do you mean to tell me that feeding that donkey gravel made him walk?” The old timer responds, “Nah, it chust changed the current of his thinking.”

I’m the jackass in the story. Counting changes my thinking and allows me to keep going during intercourse. When I distract myself at the beginning, I go from a sex sprinter to more leisurely enjoying the activity.

Thinking about baseball doesn’t work for me, but counting does, and one or the other might work for you. Experiment and determine if a couple minutes of unmindful thinking works for you. If not, what else can you do?

As I studied literature on the subject, I found a few things that seem a good idea to avoid. Desensitizing creams don’t seem helpful and have the added disadvantage of potentially desensitizing your spouse’s pleasure.

Medication may have lousy side effects. Many sex therapists write about the squeeze technique—getting close to ejaculation and then pinching hard on the end of the penis. From what I’ve read, it works for the short term but rarely solves the real problem. And who wants the end of their penis pinched? Unless you do...then have at it.

The technique that does seem to work for tough cases of PE could be given the name “Being Mindful About Your Penis.” Rather than thinking about baseball or road kill or counting in a foreign language, the man should pay full attention to how his penis feels.

If you describe your penis as feeling “hard,” you are describing what your hand feels when you touch your penis. “Tingly” or “throbbing” or “exploding” are examples of words that describe how your penis feels during intercourse.  

The common method for lasting longer during sex involves trying to minimize the sensation that feels good. The man may thrust less, the woman may feel like she needs to lie there quietly so as not to over-stimulate him. That’s a poor recipe for fun.

If that is your current approach, try being mindful instead. Pay more attention to how your penis feels. Put your feeling on a scale from 0 to 10 with 0 being absolutely no arousal and 10 being orgasmic.

Now it’s hand job time—not the normal rush-to-finish hand job, but a slow job. If your spouse is a good sport, have her lube up her hand and your penis and start caressing.

Most men with PE go from a 3 to 10 quickly. That’s what you want to avoid. Work your way up to a 6 or 7, then back it off. Work back up and back it off again. Have fun with it. Talk about what number you’re at and how you feel. Eventually, try to stay at a 6 or 7 for 15 or 20 minutes. Then, finish the deed, and be sure to offer to return the favor.

The man should learn to recognize the point of no return. Let’s call that point a 9. When you get to a 9, nothing short of an amputated finger will keep you from ejaculating.[1] You want to be able to recognize when you get to 8 and 8.5, because once you hit 9, you will immediately move to 10 and “spill your seed upon the ground.”[2]

The woman should probably stop caressing the penis when you tell her you are at an 8 and massage something else. Give the man 30 seconds to move back from 8 to 5, then start again. The word for this process is “edging,” as in “getting close to the edge of the cliff, then stepping back.”

By the way, don’t worry about erections in this process. You may be hard from 3 and up, or you may only really get hard at 8. It doesn’t matter. The less you think about your erection, the better.

After several sessions of hand-calibrating your penis, you will want to try to go live. Make sure plenty of lubrication is involved, take your time, and pay attention to how your penis feels. If you get to 8, you may want to pull out for a bit and make love in some other way. Change things up. Have fun. Remember to breathe and relax. Try some deep breathing. You can do this.

One last thing: If you struggle with PE on occasion or all the time, stop apologizing. One of the things partners find the most annoying is shame and apologizing after the quick squirt.[3] It happened. You didn’t try to make it happen and you’re not a terrible person…well, you may be...but not because of that. In a nutshell, don’t make it all about you.

[1] Read the Father Sergius story by Leo Tolstoy if you want to truly understand this reference…or me.

[2] Genesis 38:8-10

[3] Paul Joannides, Guide to Getting It On: A Book About the Wonders of Sex (Oregon: Goofy Foot Press, 2014), p. 731. This is a fantastic book with comprehensive detail and wonderful humor. Some Christians, though,  may be put off by the range of topics, the voice, or the length.